16/07/14 : an update


next week sees the beginning of a new chapter in the lives of the residents of hq.

after 14 years of being a slave to the demands of the primary school that the lads both went to (school run, fancy dress, school run, class worship, daily lunch boxes, school run, sports stuff, various fayres, paperwork, xmas stuff etc etc), it is going to feel very refreshing to have a bit more freedom in my world.

yes, the school has been absolutely brilliant for both lads, but as a single parent who has tried to maintain some form of normality by fitting in a few hours of work a week 25 miles away from the location of the school, the logistics have been a bloody nightmare.
i wont go into the precise detail as that’s just boring, but once mk2 starts secondary school, all such necessities are over.

i quite simply cannot wait as i am physically, mentally, and emotionally burnt out.

as per mentioned in my last post back in february, i have stayed off the anti-depressants.
and if i were honest, it has been very difficult.
so much so that i have at times felt the urge to contact the doctor and ask for a new supply.
however, i did not succumb.

subsequently, the chemically assisted stress free groove i have experienced for the last 2 years has evaporated, and in its place is a more morose, downbeat person.
i have found myself becoming more emotional, distant, and angry. struggling with the daily demands of being a single parent (feeding, cleaning, tidying, organising, taxi’ing etc), something i have had to learn to accept i do not particularly enjoy now that i am flying solo. another side effect is that i no longer enjoy the social excess to the same degree, i prefer the calm and comfort of hq.
more importantly though, i suffer anxiety whenever i need to step out of my comfort zone and make a decision (i don’t think it will come as a shock to anyone that saw us in action, but bh was the primary decision maker in the relationship), all of which hits me hard, knocks my confidence, puts my head in a spin, and ultimately makes me feel guilty.

that said, i firmly believe that all of this is part of the grieving process that i need to go through.
the happy pills just created a delayed reaction, and masked my real groove, and now i am having to deal with the situation properly. there have been a few that suggest i seek counselling,
i accept counselling could be useful, but having had a few sessions after bh died, i quickly came to the realisation, that no matter how many sessions i go to, the fact remains the same, i miss bh, and no amount of discussion will ever fix that, so not sure i need to delve further.

the outcome of all this recent turmoil means that this year i am actually looking forward to the 6 week summer break, as it could be just what i need to recharge the system.
one week is even kid kaos free.
i suspect i will just kick back at hq and soak up the calm, and enjoy having the tv to myself.
then again, i may just pick a random place and go.
oh the possibilities.

of course, by the end of the holiday, i will be desperate to rejoin the world of adults and work, but at least it will be a whole new groove with less stress re the logistics.

well, that’s the hope.



testing testing.
just checking to see if this thing is still on.
as there is stuff in my head i need to sort out, and putting it down on the modern equivalent of paper really helps.


well, this is weird.

not updated this little corner of the web in a long time.

reason being there is little to report really.

life muddles on with its usual peaks and troughs.

the lads are getting on with their own worlds, and sometimes the worlds all collide and we say hello to each other.

one thing that i am very glad about is that i have stopped taking the meds. for a few weeks i was on a half dose, then one half every other day, and now, its been 10 days since i took one.
and so far, all seems ok.
i have noticed a dip in my moods a little more from time to time, but thankfully nothing to warrant chemical involvement.

some recent news.

the good

- went and paid my respects to bh on her birthday.

- remembered to file the accounts for ireallylovemusic ltd.

- – important note : they are not friendly if you forget – -

- had to grab the ireallylovemusic domain for a few more years today. despite not really updating it too often, i still can’t let the site slip out of my hands just yet.

- have decided i need to update ireallylovemusic more often.

- have decided to update this corner on a more regular basis.

- mk2 has realised the joys of watching sports matches at the pub.

- as have i.

- mk1 has realised that being at home from time to time is not all that bad actually.

- i put the washing out to dry in the garden the other day and walked by some newly appeared crocuses – always a good sign.

- booked the lads to go see bh’s crew over in finland during the summer holidays

- booked the ireallylovemusic gang to head to camp bestival again.

the bad

- the devo cd i ordered a week ago turned out to be the original issue and not the remastered reissue.

- residential parking schemes being arranged in the area of bristol that i use to park in order to be able to make a mad dash back to collect mk2 from school : roll on secondary school so i can delete this part of the parental chaos out of my life.



soundtrack : dennis bovell (4th street orchestra, blackbeard), rockers hi-fi, big youth, john holt,


feeling very lucky tonight.
i have some truly amazing people in my world who have helped me through some very dark times.
i have 2 amazing boys who never cease to make me smile and laugh. i live in a very special part of the world.
i work with a bunch of folks i love, doing something i enjoy. in so many aspects of life, despite the lack of bh in my world, i now have the best of the best.
i feel very lucky.
here’s to a much needed break from the chaos of the modern world, and a peaceful few days.
hug those you love, have a lovely christmas
and, onwards to 2014,


cannot believe that it’s 12 months on from this :


it genuinely feels just a few weeks ago that i wrote that.

despite the fact that a lot has changed for us as a unit, for me, little has changed emotionally.

mk1 did well in his gcses, and is thriving in the 6th form.

mk2 got the necessary result to qualify for a place at the same school as mk1.

mk1 has been ‘going steady’ now for nearly 12 months and has become a genuinely wonderful young man.

mk2 continues to bounce around hq telling anyone within listening distance re the latest stats of the various league tables he is interested in at the moment i.e. football, f1, and snooker.

mk1 has a provisional driving license. argghh.

all of which i believe bh would approve of.

and me ?

well, i still happen to work with a bunch of people i love, doing something i enjoy.
i still probably drink too much on non-school nights, and buy too many cds, but on the whole, life at ireallylovemusic hq is ok.
i’ll admit that the house may not be quite as spotless as it would be if bh were still alive, but hey, for 3 lads living in one place, i would like to suggest that it’s perfectly bloody ok.
and yes, the food we eat is nowhere near as nutritious and tasty, but again, neither of the boys seem to be suffering.
of course, i still have dark days.
in fact i still get them a lot.
but i seem to be able to cope better.

and as far as i am concerned, that’s all i can hope for.

happy anniversary babe, miss you loads.




just wanted to add a post with that date.

well, that’s not everything.

for years i have tried to track down my details of my first music noise machine on the wire, but without success.

it was a big clunky itt cassette player with an in built microphone that meant i could hold the machine up to our little tv on a thursday evening and record the latest pop tune of choice onto my pocket money friendly woolworths tapes.

having been given this lifeline in the late 70s, it became the most important thing i had ever had in my life.
the hours i spent rewinding, flipping the tapes, fast forwarding were probably the best ever.

you folks who have never had to fix a tape with your homework pencil have never lived.

so there i was last night watching a pretty heavy romance/drama film, the reader, when there on the screen was my first true love that properly kick started my life long need for music in my life.

the search for a memory inducing image was at last over.

more detail :


of course, this was anything but hi-fi, or even stereo, as the boombox was yet to find its way into the outer regions of yorkshire, however it did the lo-fi room filling trick with the sounds of the boomtown rats, madness, and the star wars theme perfectly adequately.

next up : the search for a picture of my much loved coke-cola red boombox with auto-reverse cassette player, detachable bass heavy speakers, and input sockets from my linear tracking record deck that pissed off all within listening distance.

mark e/ireallylovemusic


the forthcoming half term + inset days means i have an extended period out of the office, but despite that, the big one for me is the realisation that this weekend marks the 18th month since the passing of bh.
18 months.
one and half years.
548 days.
while that seems a long time to most, for me, the time gone feels like nothing. there are days when the dark times still haunt me, but those are few and far between.
in fact the biggest groove is that bh still appears in my dreams on a regular basis.
sometimes this is an upsetting experience, but quite often such a dream means i wake up with a smile on my face.
that said, i have been suffering a blue mood of late.
i think this is due to the onset of the long dark nights.
the darkness is when i really begin to miss my cuddlesome bh. the sofa and bed feel awfully empty and lonely.
still, all i have to do, is hang out with the lads for a while and such concerns evaporate, albeit temporarily.
both of them are finding their paths through life with a natural calm (charm?) and ease that never ceases to amaze me,
mk1 did well in his recent gcse exams, and is thriving and positively vibed about his ongoing a-level demands.
mk2 passed the entrance exam for the school that mk1 is in, thereby proving the two lads are very much in line with the academic groove of bh.
which makes me a very happy man as i suspect bh would be chuffed to bits with their successes.
so why the deepening mood ?
well, a mix of underlying emo chaos, the increasing awareness of how much i miss bh, the never ending demands as a single dad, and the need to be in control 24/7.
to be honest though i have no idea.
especially after 18 months.
normally the crutch in such times would be provided via my love of sonic excess (and booze of course!), but i can’t deny that such pleasures have dissipated of late.
the fact is that in 2013 i have completely disconnected from the music of today. hence the relative silence of ireallylovemusic, which in itself has become a concern.
ever since i came up with the sites name and style in july 2000, i have never looked back.
the simple design, the no advert approach always appealed to my outsider status. the sheer no-compromise approach meant that if i wrote something it was from a voice of truth as opposed to an advertisers promotion.
naturally, over the years the site has morphed and changed according to my needs and listening habits.
and, the bottom line is that i think it’s time it changed agan, but that’s a whole different chunk of words for the ireallylovemusic blog as i try and re-establish the direction of ireallylovemusic from hereon ..
mark e