i know this blog has been quiet of late.
the reasons are simple.
life has settled.
mk1 has a new groove in his world.
mk2 is his usual cheeky full on kid kaos self (not a complaint, just a fact)
i am enjoying my part time work situation.
but given that today is the first anniversary of the death of bh, there were worries re today.
yet, for all the concern, today was a lovely day.
me and the boys went to the place where we spread the ashes ..
we sat, chatted and then walked through some gorgeous countryside.
after which we then headed to a lovely pub for food.
both mk1 and mk2 were chatty and relaxed.
we laughed, i shed a few tears, and generally made the most of the day.
in fact i would say its has been the best day i have had in a long long time.
could not have wished for a better way to celebrate the life of the person that created my perfect life.
i know this blog has been quiet of late.
i read this article before i headed off to the office this morning :
one of the comments hit home hard – especially at the moment :
all parents work hard
but single parents grind daily
no one to pour some love/ support back into them, just giving constantly.
the weariness of making all decisions with no one to bounce off.
the loneliness is infinite.
add in the sheer effort of looking after kids 24/7, no one to play with them while you make tea, have a shower, talk on phone.
the intensity is unbelievable.
i think married people don’t have any understanding of this,
2 years ago i would never have believed i was to become part of this special section of society.
and, from the comments etc, as a widower with a young’un, i feel i’m part of a special sub-section of this club given how few of us there clearly are ….
important note : i am not lonely.
my local crew have made very sure of that, but still, the rest totally applies.
i love mk1 and mk2 with all my heart, but damn, there are times i could really do with a break from the daily grind …
in other news : the new david bowie album, the next day, is like me, special.
soundtrack : moby, david bowie, ned raggett reading the number pi for 45 minutes.
i think its fair to say that the last couple of weeks have brought the dark clouds back into action.
basically, two weeks ago today, i.e. the 1st of february, it was my birthday, which thanks to my local crew went a lot better than i could have ever expected.
with some not-so-subtle coercion, i was dragged out to the pub to partake in a gathering of my social clan, and a good time was had by all.
then seven days later i had volunteered to go along to a charity fundraiser with some different, but wonderful friends.
it was during this event that the tide began to turn.
you see, a couple of hours into the evening, i became very aware of my outsider status.
it dawned on me i was surrounded by lots and lots of happy couples.
each with their own inner world of special nods and winks, their own dialogue of enjoyment, long term connections, and suchlike.
subsequently i began to feel very out of place.
it was after a while i realised that it was actually my first outing beyond my ‘ social comfort zone’ of hq, work and the pub.
don’t get me wrong the evening was very pleasant and i enjoyed it, but it kick started a massive downward spiral, which meant that by sunday, the 10th of february, bh’s birthday, i was in a very bad place to say the least.
however, i had committed to take the lads on holiday for half term, so hangover or not, i had to sort things out and crack on with the day to day of parenting.
so, the last 4 days were spent over in pembrokeshire in a fantastic centre parcs like place (bluestone) with me watching the lads swimming, sliding, wave machines etc etc.
which was all lovely and very special, but again, after a couple of days, the ‘happy couples’ problem surfaced and would not back down.
for 4 days, beyond the staff, i did not speak to one single adult.
i am now thankfully back in hq, but add to all this, today is the 2nd anniversary of the last time bh and i had an evening out, evil lump free.
basically, after 14 years of constant parenting without a break, and a complete lack of social interaction, we decided it was time to put to test the fact we now had a live in baby sitter.
so, the deal with mk1 was done, and away bh and i went.
nothing fancy, and not that far from home, just a local bistro pub.
it was wonderful.
we discussed how great it was to at last be in a situation where we could begin to start venturing out in the evenings again.
however, such pleasures were short lived as a few weeks later the presence of the evil lump was confirmed.
2 long years since bh and i were last truly happy and at ease with the future.
that evening we made plans. discussed options re holidays and future opportunities.
and generally looking forward to more time for ourselves.
i was quite literally the happiest i had ever been (as i said to a work colleague at around the same time .. ).
and now, all those hopes, aspirations, and expectations are well and truly dead and buried.
so, put these various triggers all together and the result is a pretty heavy mood.
my emotions are raw, i am again in place of dark memories.
nearly 10 months on, and the journey back to a more contented life continues.
dates such as this hit hard.
i miss my best friend more now than ever before.
i miss my wife,
i miss my happy life.
i miss the laughs.
i miss the arguments.
i miss the stress.
i miss the warmth.
i miss the control and direction.
basically : i miss you tiina.
fuck you cancer.
well, i can’t deny that i’m rather glad that’s all over.
the trees are down, the decorations are back in the attic, and a sense of normality has now resumed @ hq.
i have to say i was a little stressed in the build up to the seasonal festivities, and as you’d expect there were plenty of triggers that kicked in hard (being surrounded by lots of noisey happy families at the panto being the main one), but with the help of some good friends and a lot of distraction and excess, i would say that the ireallylovemusic crew managed quite well with the emotional rollercoaster.
that said, turning the year over from ’12 to ’13 for me is a massive psychological gear change, as the death of bh now happened last year as opposed to a few months ago.
which in itself gives my head a whole new groove.
it’s not that i want to forget and distance myself from the chaos, just that i would like to hope that a new year brings in a sense of a new beginning for me and the lads.
however, there is one final hurdle to overcome, and it’s one i have been dreading.
sourcing, organising and dealing with taking the lads on a holiday.
it was always a post-crimbo routine, bh would do all the research and leg work, come up with a short list over which we’d discuss options, locations, timings etc, and most of the times, she never failed to find a spot that ticked all our boxes, and so, doing this on my own is fraught with anxieties.
not only that, but the last time we all went on holiday together was the beginning of the end (the fateful trip up to the lakes ending up with the midnight dash back home and hospital), and so there are some massive emo connections that i have to say worry me.
still, one step at a time, and lets hope that 2013 is a good’un.
for some of us 2012 was sh*t.
truly and utterly sh*t.
let’s just hope that 2013 brings more miles of smiles and love to those that deserve such treats.
and, i truly hope you are amongst those that get those smiles.
on 5th of december 1991 i married bh.
life was innocent, naive, and so much easier.
we had no real expectations re marriage nor life.
the ceremony was just something we agreed to so we could stay together, as at the time finland was not a full member of the eu.
and so, it became an urban legend that we married cos we had to in order to stay together.
which was of course, a semi-truth.
the fact that such a minor point of administrative gubbins meant i ended up with my favourite person on earth for another 21 years was an added bonus.
weirdly, 21 years ago, the weather was exactly like today.
clear blue skies, biting temperatures.
what more could ever want from a december morning.
not only that, but given our destitute status, the location of the wedding and reception was rather special.
an old converted mill with bar and restaurant, duck ponds and wooden beams.
oh, a banquet hall full of gorgeous food and the people i loved, including my gang from leeds, who were strategically placed up in the galleries as opposed to being allowed to mingle with the family.
oh, and not too mention a wedding night surprise.
( behave. the location of wedding night. not that … )
despite my obvious bias, i have to say that the day was 100% perfect from start to finish.
so, it goes without saying that today has been somewhat tough on the emotions, but following a few unexpected moments from mk1 and mk2, it’s been ok.
well, as ok as can be expected under the circumstances.
soundtrack : smashing pumpkins.