following a random meeting and a lovely chat with an old friend today, i got a nudge for me to get back into this groove.
so, here is an update. the first in a very very long time.

the reasons for the silence are complicated and full of contradictions.

to summarise, for the last couple of years since bh died (over 3 years now, but to me, it still feels as fresh as last week), i have had a very singular purpose that has kept me focussed : get mk1 to university.
that was my duty as a parent; my duty for bh; and my duty for mk1.
a simple task to many, but for me it proved to be a massive pull on both my physical and emotional world.
the likes of which i never expected.
however, that goal has been achieved, and now a few weeks into the new situation, hq is a very different place.
and being honest, one i am struggling to come terms with.

as wonderful as mk2 is, he still has that kid-groove thing going on, where the latest events in the world of football/f1 are the most fascinating thing ever.
as shocking as you will find this, i struggle to feign interest in the comings and goings of a football team for which i don’t even know the name of the manger for several hours a day.
i may manage a few minutes of interest at the breakfast table, but after 17 minutes of intricate analysis, my patience is well and truly on the long distance bus out of town.

in the last few years mk1 has been my ‘other adult in the house’, and him leaving and going to university has left a massive hole.
not to mention the small matter that i no longer have the same freedom to go out in an evening like i was able to, so, there is the issue of feeling ‘trapped’ with a small kid, again.
(note : i stopped going out for other reasons, but, the option was there).
yes, i realise that going forward this is not a healthy groove, and so with some extra attention, me and mk2 are having a lovely time doing dad-n-lad stuff.
but he goes to bed, and there is no-one to watch ‘homeland’ with, nor talk about the f*ck ups of the current government.

i am 47, and there are times i am beginning to feel the tentacles of loneliness.

hence the silence.

i felt that this current emo chaos was too personal, internal, and of little interest to others ( little happens in my world now other than having to deal with a very demanding stroppy cat – fact ! ).
however, in that mix, i forgot one massive part of the reason for this blog : me.
me writing this blog over the period of the chaos ended up being massively therapeutic, and helped me out immensely.
and maybe, me getting back into the blog writing will help me overcome the new emotional chaos.

in other news : mk1 seems to be having a great time, despite that it’s not just parties and clubs. apparently he even has to do ‘independent work’.
it appears that his new life in brighton seems to have been a good choice, and so far the course he chose is interesting.

maybe all that stress and chaos was worth it after all, and it wont be too long before it all kicks in again for mk2 !


15/02/15 : post #2

mk1 is in heaven.
a large supply of sugar excess.
and football on the tv at the pub.
a perfect sunday.



good stuff this week :

– bumped into an old friend who i have not seen in years. he has retrained and is now a mental health nurse. so, as part of the catch up, i explained my situation, and he confirmed my suspicions. basically the medication will have delayed the grieving process, meaning i am probably going through it properly now, hence the grey clouds/anger as i am facing all the emotional triggers for the first time without medication etc.
as for how long, well, there are no rules. it takes as long as it takes basically.

– mk1 registered to vote. i thought that this happened automatically, but no, the process was changed a few years ago, and now young’uns have to register to vote once they hit the relevant age.

– the front of the house is nearly completed. looks a lot fresher and cleaner.

– mk2 has re-established his local friend network. mk1 and mk2 both go to a school that’s not local, and so, old primary school friendships become more difficult to maintain. hopefully we have got this resolved and mk2 will be able to meet up as and when possible (will be good to get him off the playstation once in a while !).

– the sherwood & pinch album. can never have too much on-u sound in  your collection.

the bad stuff :

– social media and booze do not mix.

– the form for student finance arrived. pages and pages of the bloody thing. it’s going to be a bugger to fill in.



and so the battle for student finance for mk1 begins.
i get an email from the system asking me to log in so i can provide details re my income so his needs can be addressed.
i hit the link, provide the requested info .. only to be told i have an account, and so should have a ‘crn’ – customer reference number.
but i don’t.
at which point i am given alternative options in order to get logged in.
i try these .. but nope.
i ring the phone number – go through the hoops in order to be get to speak a real person, again providing the same details many many times only to be told they will have to send me a form that i fill in and send back so they can look into why i can’t log in !
this is all going to go so well isn’t it.



the front of hq is sorted.

looks bloody brilliant.

if only fixing life with a feckless 18 year old was as easy.

there are times i hate being a single parent.

fuck you cancer for fucking up my perfect little life.

04/02/15 : post #2


moving on from the emotional excess of the previous post, and to prove that things are progressing @ hq.

basically, the front of the house has been left to rot.

originally bh used to use it for various herbs, rhubarb, and suchlike.

however, i  have no time/patience for such delicate matters, and the wood pillars that were holding it all together have rotted away due to lack of proper treatment prior to them being inserted into the ground.

this means that the last couple of summers it has looked dreadful, and has become a depressing entrance to the house.

well, this year before the growing season kicks in, i have instigated a change.

before at 7:20am today :


during at 4:50pm today


watch this space to see what happens.

in the meantime mk2 and me are off to play with our new toy !



i recently added an extra year to the time spent on this planet.
a happy occasion yes ?
the whole thing turned out to be an almighty headf*ck of a couple of days.
the likes of which i have not experienced in a long long time.

firstly there was the recent news that nice announced to the world that anyone experiencing more than 3 weeks of heartburn should go see their doctor to be checked up on the chance of it being the beginning of an evil lump like bh had.
3 weeks !?
bh went to her gp several times over 2 years, and the solution : high strength antacids.
when the evil lump was eventually diagnosed bh wrote to her gp questioning his 2 year delay in sending her for an endoscopy. the doctor basically used the defense that nice did not recommend to check for stomach cancer for people under the age of 50.
bh was 47.
to say the press attention on the newly revised instructions fired up some anger would be an understatement.

with that spinning around my head, i was already in a dark place prior to my birthday.

a couple of days before the big event, i said to a friend that i had a vague recollection that my birthday is the anniversary for some pretty dark stuff that happened during the chaos, but as i struggle to recall a lot of what happened, i was finding it hard to pinpoint the source of my anxiety.

perhaps unwisely, i scoured the blog of the chaos, and found the relevant time period.
and then the tsunami of emo excess hit me hard.
i remembered it all like it was yesterday.
no, not yesterday. today.
i was back in that place physically and emotionally.
i cracked badly.
basically in 2012 my birthday was the beginning of the really dark stuff.
more detail : here.

not only that, but my birthday is quickly followed by bh’s birthday, and then there is february 15th.
which i think i have mentioned elsewhere was the date on which bh and myself last enjoyed a night out without the kids (the second of two such times), or the evil lump in our life.
it was a truly wonderful evening during which we planned various new possibilities given that we now had a live in babysitter, and we all know how that turned out.

subsequently i am finding this month particularly heavy as it’s a couple of weeks of power packed emotional triggers.
the intensity is probably a consequence of me no longer being on the medication i was a year ago, meaning hopefully this is the worst it can get as i continue to reconcile the events of the past drug free.