– vacuumed the kitchen.
– fed mk2.
– took mk2 to friends.
– bought food.
– read mk1s school report.
– 20km on exercise bike + shower.
– prep’d the sauce for tonights meal.
– glass of wine now in hand.
good days. bad days.
as soon as i woke up i knew today was going to be a bad’un.
basically, in that state between sleep and being fully awake, i was back at the hospice reliving certain emotions and heartache, revisiting the last moment of bh’s lucidity.
at the time i did not know that it was to be the last time she was lucid, and so was very casual in my response.
i guess this is how it will go.
a few days of positive funk only to then head into a full on crash.
no triggers as such, just a pervading mood throughout the day which i have been unable to shift.
so much so, that i clearly was of concern to one happy shopper this afternoon as i looked at the racks and just drifted off into a 1000 yard stare, 60 second flow of ‘what the f*ck do i f*ckin’ feed the f*ckin’ kids tomorrow’ kind of trance while i experienced one of those moments of ‘is-this-it’ clarity.
then later on, reading the school report for mk1 brought out a massive wobble.
the words of support and encouragement from his teachers made me realise just how lucky we all are with our various support networks.
knowing that bh would have gushed with pride and have been very proud of mk1s ongoing academic achievements of course helps, but damn, there are times that this shit hurts.
hence the 20km session as i suspect that kick starting a blood pump alleviates certain moods.
well that was the theory.
that and a glass of wine.
soundtrack : smashing pumpkins, the black crowes, the lords of alamont, the cramps