Monthly Archives: August 2012


well, today was a better day.

– lounged all morning waiting for text.
– in the afternoon mk2 went to the park with some friends, while i lounged some more waiting for text.
– at 4pm i got the text.

basically, mk1 is back within the grounds of ireallylovemusic hq having spent the last few days with friends in france.

so, stories involving teen kid style japes have been told, food has been eaten and smells have been experienced, but it feels good to have him back.

soundtrack : dj food, campag velocet.


again, a better day.

– arose at a decent hour.
– ironing.
– laundry.
– football season paperwork.
– emailed boss re work.
– sorted out hmrc paperwork re mk1 and mk2 (a particular area of head troubles).
– 25km on exercise bike.
– fed mk2.
– popcorn + transformers 3 while the heavens opened above ireallylovemusic hq.
– my own personal support network visit and chat, which helped immensely.
– glass of wine + food for myself and mk2.

not a bad day truth be told.

soundtrack : long john baldry, on-u sound system


slightly better day than yesterday.

basically i wore mk2 out.

– got up at proper time, and got rid of the excess grey via a blade #1.

– sent email to doctor advising of my situation who has agreed i am in no fit state to return to work yet.

– nipped (via a 40 minute round trip !) to sports shop to sort out new goalie gloves and socks for mk2.

– walked into town and back so mk2 could drop his savings into his bank account.

– 20km on exercise bike. this is basically an attempt to physically wear me out and help me sleep, as since last week despite being totally worn out emotionally i am really struggling to get more than 3 hours sleep which is clearly not helping the situation.

suspect that the reason is that there is just too much stuff spinning around my head (school, logistics, work, logistics, paperwork, logistics, emotions, logistics, food, logistics and lots of guilt – the list is truly endless), and trying to figure out the solution(s) is causing me to be overly anxious/stressed etc.
i know that once i scale the chaos back and i get some form of order back in my/our lives then i will begin to feel in control again and hopefully start to relax, just i need to figure out how to get to that place.
preferably without regularly needing to neck umpteen bottles of red wine in the process.

– fed mk2.

– walked into town so mk2 could go swimming. he met another friend, meaning i got an hour off from the questions. result.

– glass of red + pizza + transformers 2 (spotting a pattern !)

soundtrack : akira the don, the hold steady


heavy times.

5 weeks flying solo with a bouncy 9 year old is sometimes seriously hard f*cking work.

i realise only too well i am being a ‘bad dad’, but following last weeks ‘task’ and dark emotional intensity, i am finding it very hard to get any enjoyment out of constant (and i mean constant) nonsensical updates re stuff that i have little interest in, which of course then leads to big doses of guilt and more black moods.

for those of you with small people who can go off into a corner and entertain themselves for any length of time, then you have no idea as to the stress having kids who refuse to do anything beyond playstation or tv, without parental involvement can induce.

oh, and this is all a case of deja vu, as mk1 was, until he took to his lair never to venture out for anything but food, exactly the same.

10 long years of : ‘daddy, daddy, daddy, daddy …. ‘ is beginning to really take its toll on my inner being.

i wish i could connect with mk2 better, but i’m currently struggling to deal with him on any other level but patience testing endurance.

and to say this weather doesn’t help is putting it mildly, as mk2 is literally bouncing off the walls.

i know i should be more involved and active, but my head is in a dark space at the moment, and any involvement with the outside world is currently very unappealing.

still, only one more week to go.

todays recipe :

– walked into town to pick up some stuff.

– 20km on the exercise bike.

– popcorn + transformers.

– food.

soundtrack : mcalmont and butler


a calmer day on the emotions.

almost like a sense of acceptance is beginning to settle in.

subsequently, today was a quiet day.

– got up early (hangover free !).
– sorted out stuff.
– fed mk2.
– awoke the teen monster from his coma.
– sorted out the ironing.
– taxi’d mk1 into his place of education.
– lunch for mk2.
– cut the green stuff that pretends to be grass.
– took mk2 to local swimming pool where there were several of his friends, ending up with one worn out mk2. result.
– confirmed with mk1 that he could partake in yet another sleepover.
– fed mk2.
– watched tv – something i have avoided doing for the last few months due to emotional associations.

i need more days like today i think.

soundtrack : adrian sherwood, elvis, colder, chromatics.


well, after a few restless hours sleep today arrived.

i waited until the sun came up, and decided it was time to complete the one task that i have been dreading for the last few weeks : the spreading of the ashes.

after a subdued breakfast, mk1, mk2, and myself went to a special place of importance to all of us.

we sat in relative silence for a while, after which, mk1 and mk2 said their final farewells to their mother, while i thanked the love of my life for my very special life,

as lou rawls sang : ‘you made me so very happy, i’m so glad you came into my life’.

4 months on from her death, and i am becoming painfully aware that the recovery is going to take a lot longer than i was hoping.

in fact, i would say i am in more of an emotional mess now than i have been in a long time (possibly to be expected given todays task).

as mk1 and myself were saying earlier, to answer the question most people ask : “no we’re not ok, but, we will be.”

just not sure when.

let’s hope that today is a key part of the recovery process.



todays list is not that exciting, but here’s how today turned out

– hangover

– vacuumed the house.

– phoned council re a discount on the council tax as i had a vague memory that a single person with kids is eligible for a 25% discount, and sure enough, once i fill yet another form in, i’ll be eligible.

– fed mk2.

– asked mk1 to look after mk2 for a few hours.

– headed into town for a meeting with the bank re an ongoing issue, to see if it can be resolved once and for all.

– popped into work to hand over some paperwork.

– went to bank, and fingers crossed, everything will now be sorted out.

– an hour later emerged from bank to an almighty rainstorm, and a closed off city centre, meaning one very long, and wet, walk back to the car.

– set off back home with a head full of worry as to what i was going ti discover upon walking into hq, only to hear chat, and even some laughter.

clearly i should leave them on their own more often.

general mood : not good for reasons that hopefully will become clearer later this week.

soundtrack : chromatics