Monthly Archives: September 2012

28/09/12

ups and downs.

mk2 has had a tough week, he is still recovering from the recent viral chaos, and has since come down hard with a nasty cough and cold, so he is physically not 100%, and when he is not 100% his moods are quite extreme to say the least.

i am dreading him hitting the teen-kaos.

so, when he burst into tears during breakfast due to some minor school related issue i just knew that this was all part of his general state as opposed to anything more serious.

well, that’s my hope.

however, it was during the necessary hugs that i overheard an advert on 5live for a series of programs that really kicked my head into touch.

according to the advert, the series is being broadcast as some kind of celebration of ‘oktoberfest’ .

oh f*ck, it’s that time of year.

you see, 23 years ago this weekend i went to a party on the campus of helsinki university of technology with some friends.

i was in a merry mood, and generally soaking up the vibes of the crowded hall, when a small, cute as a button, woman tried to get past me, she said something in finnish as she squeezed by, i said i had no idea what she had just said due to me not being from finland.

and there began the story of the next 23 years of my life.

i think it’s safe to say that everything changed due to that chance meeting.

due to the alcho-fuzz and me being a gentleman, i wont recall too much more of that night other than i was very impressed with the presence of david bowie and the ramones in her record collection, and there was the small matter that she had the first finnish girls name i could actually pronounce.

23 years later, and the use of the phrase "oktoberfest" puts my head in a timewarp where i am back at that party meeting bh again, giving way to a massive mix of emotions

i.e. the joy and happiness at having met her vs. the heartache

soundtrack : mandonna, lana del ray, the jeff beck group

25/09/12

highs and lows.

following the excellence of the social event of the year on saturday during which i discovered i love rum punch, there had to be a comedown and whole new type of hangover to experience, and sure enough, that was what sunday was all about.

then as with previous months, the 24th day of the month becomes a dark day as once again i realise just how much i miss my best friend

(all the more so now that the evenings are dark).

i would have thought that this aspect would get easier after 5 months since bh died, but the fact is, yesterday was very heavy, as was my heart.

however, rather than drown my emotions in a bottle of red wine i decided to use distraction as a way to pass the evening once the chores of kid kaos were finished.

so, i ended up watching the new dredd film, and loved every minute.

the look, the dark humour, and the inventive use of 3d effects, the whole thing just whizzed by and made for a great way to forget about the date on the calendar.

unfortunately, the night was not easy, as whenever my stress levels are on the up, i suffer nightmares, and last nights rem session was awful.
the underlying message became clear as i awoke that my inner anxieties re next weeks return back to the world of grown up money earners are on the increase.
i wont go into details of the dream, but it put my head in a spin for most of the day.

question : why is it i can never remember the good dreams, but the nightmares stay with me, and i cant shake the groove ?

oh, and in other news, despite the use of the parental godsend that is calpol, mk2 is poorly again, thereby calling a halt on my plans for my final week of freedom.

the joys of parenting.

soundtrack : soulsavers

20/09/12

as i was reminded by a friend yesterday i have not updated the blog now for a few days, and the simple reason is because there is little to report.

which if i’m honest is a good thing as it’s a sign that life, and possibly my emotional state, is settling.

i mean the last week has consisted of very little, other than :

– chat with my doctor re the ongoing situation.

– mk2 saving an amazing goal in his match on saturday (first time he cracked a grin from ear to ear in quite a while and was rather special !).

– session at the pub on saturday.

– sunday recovery session.

– walking mk2 to and from school each day.

– prepare playllist for a social occasion this coming weekend.

[ i'm a little nervous re this as recent ireallylovemusic archive sessions at hq have been easy as they all occur within my comfort zone for just a few select friends, but doing the same kind of thing at someone else's place for people i probably wont know too well is going to be weird ]

– delivered some paper work to the office.

– a lovely countryside walk and pub lunch with a friend.

– the all important household chores.

one aspect of concern in the last few days though is that mk2 has become a lot more clingy.
hopefully this is just a settling down period now that he has gone back to school, but its very noticeable as to his constant need to have me around.
of course, once i go back to work, then a new routine will be put in place, and he will have to realise that i am not going to be there for him quite as readily as i have been for the last six months.

soundrack : talking heads, kid koala, the black keys

13/09/12

a good day.

a very good day.

was a gorgeous morning, fresh, but gorgeous, so, walked a fully recovered (i.e. cheeky/bouncy) mk2 to school.

then decided to head into the office to hand over some paperwork, and see if i could have a chat with my manager.

ass it is, the chat went very well.

my suggestions regarding my options in returning to work were warmly welcomed, and so, it looks like i will have the best of both worlds.

in other words i will continue to work with a bunch of folks i love, in a job that will stimulate my grey cells, and yet, still be able to be the dad i need to be.

reduced hours, long weekends, and the chance to hold onto a ‘proper job’ as one friend described my job as today.

what more could i ask for.

there is the small matter of the contractual gubbins, but that aside, just meeting up with a few of the gang put a glow in my heart, a smile on my face, and for the first time in a long time, i felt a sense of excitement about the prospect of returning to work.

of course such good vibes had to be celebrated with some music based purchases, after which i headed back to hq, and then walked up to school to collect mk2.

in fact the only downside today is the loss of my all time favourite badge which fell from my jacket somewhere en route to school this morning.

a badge that declared to the world that i am a member of the pre new is now missing.

just hope whoever finds it, digs in and discovers the glorious noise that the band make.

but still, today was a very good day.

soundtrack : the black keys.

11/09/12

a good day.

well, after a week of mk2 not being himself, it looks like things are getting back to normal.

today he has been cheeky, has talked non-stop, and even eaten a pretty decent meal.

and by all accounts, he enjoyed school today (well, apart from the art homework of course).

so, all i now need to figure out is once i recharge my own inner batteries over the next couple of weeks, the manner in which i head back into the office.

something that is playing on my mind a lot at the moment. it is becoming increasingly clear that i need to interact with the world at large more, and yet, i am struggling to figure out how to manage the logistics, especially after the last weeks experience.

on one side, i actually like being the full time hands on dad doing the school run and suchlike (in fact, when mk2 is well, it’s hugely enjoyable taking him to/from school), and yet, i think it would set a good example to the kids having their dad back at work.

of all the hurdles that i have to overcome in the last few months, i would say that this is the last of the big ones to deal with.

i am very aware that the local support network would jump at the chance to help out, and there will be times that i will indeed call upon various folks, but i feel that i need to be able to sort out the daily options by myself, and not be reliant on the goodwill of others.

while this may sound weird, the reason is quite simple : on any given day there is a strong chance that i would forget who’s turn it is to pick up mk2 !

hence i need to be able to manage the situation in a simple bloke friendly manner.

soundtrack : roxy music, big audio dynamite

07/09/12

upon waking up it was clear that mk2 would not be heading for school today.
i therefore decided to hijack a doctors appointment that supposed to be for me, and use it to see if there anything more serious going on.
the doctor gave mk2 a quick once over, a blood test for diabetes and basically told him to drink more liquid, with the advise to wait until his hunger returns.
poor little man.
so, back at hq he crashed on the sofa while i did ….
nothing.
absolutely nothing.
oh, hang on, that’s not 100% true.
i did do some ironing.

after which for the first time in months i decided to make the most of the weather.
i lined up some laid back sunshine grooves on the music machine, and for a couple of hours took it easy on the patio.
felt weird, and rather wonderful.
of course, every 10 minutes i would should at mk2 to drink more juice, to which he would reply ‘okay’.
hopefully he will get his bounce back over the weekend, as i’m beginning to miss his constant chaos.

soundtrack : various nu-balaerica grooves – a mountain of one, lemon jelly, quiet village, studio, lindstrom, hatchback

06/09/12

another day. another layer of parenting gubbins.

following a couple of days of mk2 not throwing up, last night i began to wonder if a lot of the troubles were due to a desire to not go into school.

so, this morning i decided to kick in with some tough love.

i texted his teacher to advise her that mk2 was no longer sick, but still not wanting to go to school due to a complete lack of bounce/eagerness.

all through breakfast mk2 was acting up.

all the way to school mk2 was acting up.

but was it a nervous/stress related reaction to his bad school day on monday, or, a genuine problem ?

only one way to find out.

upon arriving at the school, we were met by an old family friend who happens to now be in charge of mk2s year, and so we chatted re the situation, and i went home with a sense of calm, knowing that mk2 would be well looked after.

come release time my nerves were rattling.

guilt, and anticipation.

would mk2 bounce out with his trademark grin-n-chat, or would it be more tears and tantrums.

well, it turned out to be the bouce-less mk2 that slowly came through the door.

he looked totally devoid of any enthusiasm.

some discussion later, he told me that if he had felt better, then today would have been a brilliant day.

clearly something is not right, so a doctors appointment it is, not too mention, a bad dad groove due to the tough love approach earlier in the day.

poor little man.

live and learn.

soundtrack : boris, lemon jelly, radio slave.