25/09/12

highs and lows.

following the excellence of the social event of the year on saturday during which i discovered i love rum punch, there had to be a comedown and whole new type of hangover to experience, and sure enough, that was what sunday was all about.

then as with previous months, the 24th day of the month becomes a dark day as once again i realise just how much i miss my best friend

(all the more so now that the evenings are dark).

i would have thought that this aspect would get easier after 5 months since bh died, but the fact is, yesterday was very heavy, as was my heart.

however, rather than drown my emotions in a bottle of red wine i decided to use distraction as a way to pass the evening once the chores of kid kaos were finished.

so, i ended up watching the new dredd film, and loved every minute.

the look, the dark humour, and the inventive use of 3d effects, the whole thing just whizzed by and made for a great way to forget about the date on the calendar.

unfortunately, the night was not easy, as whenever my stress levels are on the up, i suffer nightmares, and last nights rem session was awful.
the underlying message became clear as i awoke that my inner anxieties re next weeks return back to the world of grown up money earners are on the increase.
i wont go into details of the dream, but it put my head in a spin for most of the day.

question : why is it i can never remember the good dreams, but the nightmares stay with me, and i cant shake the groove ?

oh, and in other news, despite the use of the parental godsend that is calpol, mk2 is poorly again, thereby calling a halt on my plans for my final week of freedom.

the joys of parenting.

soundtrack : soulsavers

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One response to “25/09/12

  1. Mark, I just caught up on your news. I am so sorry for your loss. I know how you feel. I lost my first wife in 2006 after 18 years. It is simply devastating, like someone is physically tearing half of your body away from you. All I can say is little by little, day by day, I celebrated small wins. Ticked off those boxes. Just getting through the day counted as an achievement. The nights were (and still can be) quite a horror fest. Time helps, it takes going through those stages to heal. It never goes away, some days it is a light brush stroke, others it is a full on black paint stroke, right across your canvas. I read your blog and recognize so much of what you are going through but know that It’s a pathway. It does lead somewhere… Last year I remarried and now have a lovely baby daughter. What happened is part of me, I can’t change it, I’ve learned to live with it and learned to live again. It took a long time, years, before I felt normal again. (therapy helped a lot, just getting it all out!). You will get through this I’m sure based on what I’ve read so far. Feel free to email me if you want to discuss this any more. I found it helps talking through with people who have been through something like this. In fact, it’s how I draw some good out of what I went through. That way it’s not for nowt, as they say up north!

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