i think its fair to say that the last couple of weeks have brought the dark clouds back into action.

basically, two weeks ago today, i.e. the 1st of february, it was my birthday, which thanks to my local crew went a lot better than i could have ever expected.
with some not-so-subtle coercion, i was dragged out to the pub to partake in a gathering of my social clan, and a good time was had by all.

then seven days later i had volunteered to go along to a charity fundraiser with some different, but wonderful friends.
it was during this event that the tide began to turn.
you see, a couple of hours into the evening, i became very aware of my outsider status.
it dawned on me i was surrounded by lots and lots of happy couples.
each with their own inner world of special nods and winks, their own dialogue of enjoyment, long term connections, and suchlike.
subsequently i began to feel very out of place.
uncomfortably so.
it was after a while i realised that it was actually my first outing beyond my ‘ social comfort zone’ of hq, work and the pub.
don’t get me wrong the evening was very pleasant and i enjoyed it, but it kick started a massive downward spiral, which meant that by sunday, the 10th of february, bh’s birthday, i was in a very bad place to say the least.

however, i had committed to take the lads on holiday for half term, so hangover or not, i had to sort things out and crack on with the day to day of parenting.
so, the last 4 days were spent over in pembrokeshire in a fantastic centre parcs like place (bluestone) with me watching the lads swimming, sliding, wave machines etc etc.
which was all lovely and very special, but again, after a couple of days, the ‘happy couples’ problem surfaced and would not back down.

for 4 days, beyond the staff, i did not speak to one single adult.

i am now thankfully back in hq, but add to all this, today is the 2nd anniversary of the last time bh and i had an evening out, evil lump free.
basically, after 14 years of constant parenting without a break, and a complete lack of social interaction, we decided it was time to put to test the fact we now had a live in baby sitter.
so, the deal with mk1 was done, and away bh and i went.
nothing fancy, and not that far from home, just a local bistro pub.
it was wonderful.
we discussed how great it was to at last be in a situation where we could begin to start venturing out in the evenings again.
however, such pleasures were short lived as a few weeks later the presence of the evil lump was confirmed.

2 long years since bh and i were last truly happy and at ease with the future.
that evening we made plans. discussed options re holidays and future opportunities.
and generally looking forward to more time for ourselves.
i was quite literally the happiest i had ever been (as i said to a work colleague at around the same time .. ).

and now, all those hopes, aspirations, and expectations are well and truly dead and buried.


so, put these various triggers all together and the result is a pretty heavy mood.

my emotions are raw, i am again in place of dark memories.

nearly 10 months on, and the journey back to a more contented life continues.


One response to “15/02/13

  1. Mark, the time is now right for you to seriously consider counselling. You cannot do it on your own. You definitely need help and guidance to bring you back to the surface again. Tiina will always be part of your life and she would want you to move on bringing with you the happy memories of times gone by. Remember, it is NOT a sign of weakness to accept help we all need it at some time in our lives. All of our grandchildren have been the route of therapy in their own time and are now full steam ahead.Go for it!

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