Monthly Archives: July 2014

16/07/14 : an update

hell.o

next week sees the beginning of a new chapter in the lives of the residents of hq.

after 14 years of being a slave to the demands of the primary school that the lads both went to (school run, fancy dress, school run, class worship, daily lunch boxes, school run, sports stuff, various fayres, paperwork, xmas stuff etc etc), it is going to feel very refreshing to have a bit more freedom in my world.

yes, the school has been absolutely brilliant for both lads, but as a single parent who has tried to maintain some form of normality by fitting in a few hours of work a week 25 miles away from the location of the school, the logistics have been a bloody nightmare.
i wont go into the precise detail as that’s just boring, but once mk2 starts secondary school, all such necessities are over.

i quite simply cannot wait as i am physically, mentally, and emotionally burnt out.

as per mentioned in my last post back in february, i have stayed off the anti-depressants.
and if i were honest, it has been very difficult.
so much so that i have at times felt the urge to contact the doctor and ask for a new supply.
however, i did not succumb.

subsequently, the chemically assisted stress free groove i have experienced for the last 2 years has evaporated, and in its place is a more morose, downbeat person.
i have found myself becoming more emotional, distant, and angry. struggling with the daily demands of being a single parent (feeding, cleaning, tidying, organising, taxi’ing etc), something i have had to learn to accept i do not particularly enjoy now that i am flying solo. another side effect is that i no longer enjoy the social excess to the same degree, i prefer the calm and comfort of hq.
more importantly though, i suffer anxiety whenever i need to step out of my comfort zone and make a decision (i don’t think it will come as a shock to anyone that saw us in action, but bh was the primary decision maker in the relationship), all of which hits me hard, knocks my confidence, puts my head in a spin, and ultimately makes me feel guilty.

that said, i firmly believe that all of this is part of the grieving process that i need to go through.
the happy pills just created a delayed reaction, and masked my real groove, and now i am having to deal with the situation properly. there have been a few that suggest i seek counselling,
i accept counselling could be useful, but having had a few sessions after bh died, i quickly came to the realisation, that no matter how many sessions i go to, the fact remains the same, i miss bh, and no amount of discussion will ever fix that, so not sure i need to delve further.

the outcome of all this recent turmoil means that this year i am actually looking forward to the 6 week summer break, as it could be just what i need to recharge the system.
one week is even kid kaos free.
i suspect i will just kick back at hq and soak up the calm, and enjoy having the tv to myself.
then again, i may just pick a random place and go.
oh the possibilities.

of course, by the end of the holiday, i will be desperate to rejoin the world of adults and work, but at least it will be a whole new groove with less stress re the logistics.

well, that’s the hope.

onwards,
m.e/ireallylovemusic

16/7/14

testing testing.
just checking to see if this thing is still on.
as there is stuff in my head i need to sort out, and putting it down on the modern equivalent of paper really helps.
m.e