04/02/15

i recently added an extra year to the time spent on this planet.
a happy occasion yes ?
no.
the whole thing turned out to be an almighty headf*ck of a couple of days.
the likes of which i have not experienced in a long long time.

firstly there was the recent news that nice announced to the world that anyone experiencing more than 3 weeks of heartburn should go see their doctor to be checked up on the chance of it being the beginning of an evil lump like bh had.
3 weeks !?
bh went to her gp several times over 2 years, and the solution : high strength antacids.
when the evil lump was eventually diagnosed bh wrote to her gp questioning his 2 year delay in sending her for an endoscopy. the doctor basically used the defense that nice did not recommend to check for stomach cancer for people under the age of 50.
bh was 47.
to say the press attention on the newly revised instructions fired up some anger would be an understatement.

with that spinning around my head, i was already in a dark place prior to my birthday.

a couple of days before the big event, i said to a friend that i had a vague recollection that my birthday is the anniversary for some pretty dark stuff that happened during the chaos, but as i struggle to recall a lot of what happened, i was finding it hard to pinpoint the source of my anxiety.

perhaps unwisely, i scoured the blog of the chaos, and found the relevant time period.
and then the tsunami of emo excess hit me hard.
i remembered it all like it was yesterday.
no, not yesterday. today.
i was back in that place physically and emotionally.
i cracked badly.
basically in 2012 my birthday was the beginning of the really dark stuff.
more detail : here.

not only that, but my birthday is quickly followed by bh’s birthday, and then there is february 15th.
which i think i have mentioned elsewhere was the date on which bh and myself last enjoyed a night out without the kids (the second of two such times), or the evil lump in our life.
it was a truly wonderful evening during which we planned various new possibilities given that we now had a live in babysitter, and we all know how that turned out.

subsequently i am finding this month particularly heavy as it’s a couple of weeks of power packed emotional triggers.
the intensity is probably a consequence of me no longer being on the medication i was a year ago, meaning hopefully this is the worst it can get as i continue to reconcile the events of the past drug free.

hopefully.

m.e/ireallylovemusic

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