following a random meeting and a lovely chat with an old friend today, i got a nudge for me to get back into this groove.
so, here is an update. the first in a very very long time.
the reasons for the silence are complicated and full of contradictions.
to summarise, for the last couple of years since bh died (over 3 years now, but to me, it still feels as fresh as last week), i have had a very singular purpose that has kept me focussed : get mk1 to university.
that was my duty as a parent; my duty for bh; and my duty for mk1.
a simple task to many, but for me it proved to be a massive pull on both my physical and emotional world.
the likes of which i never expected.
however, that goal has been achieved, and now a few weeks into the new situation, hq is a very different place.
and being honest, one i am struggling to come terms with.
as wonderful as mk2 is, he still has that kid-groove thing going on, where the latest events in the world of football/f1 are the most fascinating thing ever.
as shocking as you will find this, i struggle to feign interest in the comings and goings of a football team for which i don’t even know the name of the manger for several hours a day.
i may manage a few minutes of interest at the breakfast table, but after 17 minutes of intricate analysis, my patience is well and truly on the long distance bus out of town.
in the last few years mk1 has been my ‘other adult in the house’, and him leaving and going to university has left a massive hole.
not to mention the small matter that i no longer have the same freedom to go out in an evening like i was able to, so, there is the issue of feeling ‘trapped’ with a small kid, again.
(note : i stopped going out for other reasons, but, the option was there).
yes, i realise that going forward this is not a healthy groove, and so with some extra attention, me and mk2 are having a lovely time doing dad-n-lad stuff.
but he goes to bed, and there is no-one to watch ‘homeland’ with, nor talk about the f*ck ups of the current government.
i am 47, and there are times i am beginning to feel the tentacles of loneliness.
hence the silence.
i felt that this current emo chaos was too personal, internal, and of little interest to others ( little happens in my world now other than having to deal with a very demanding stroppy cat – fact ! ).
however, in that mix, i forgot one massive part of the reason for this blog : me.
me writing this blog over the period of the chaos ended up being massively therapeutic, and helped me out immensely.
and maybe, me getting back into the blog writing will help me overcome the new emotional chaos.
in other news : mk1 seems to be having a great time, despite that it’s not just parties and clubs. apparently he even has to do ‘independent work’.
it appears that his new life in brighton seems to have been a good choice, and so far the course he chose is interesting.
maybe all that stress and chaos was worth it after all, and it wont be too long before it all kicks in again for mk2 !