and so the battle for student finance for mk1 begins.
i get an email from the system asking me to log in so i can provide details re my income so his needs can be addressed.
i hit the link, provide the requested info .. only to be told i have an account, and so should have a ‘crn’ – customer reference number.
but i don’t.
at which point i am given alternative options in order to get logged in.
i try these .. but nope.
i ring the phone number – go through the hoops in order to be get to speak a real person, again providing the same details many many times only to be told they will have to send me a form that i fill in and send back so they can look into why i can’t log in !
this is all going to go so well isn’t it.



the front of hq is sorted.

looks bloody brilliant.

if only fixing life with a feckless 18 year old was as easy.

there are times i hate being a single parent.

fuck you cancer for fucking up my perfect little life.

04/02/15 : post #2


moving on from the emotional excess of the previous post, and to prove that things are progressing @ hq.

basically, the front of the house has been left to rot.

originally bh used to use it for various herbs, rhubarb, and suchlike.

however, i  have no time/patience for such delicate matters, and the wood pillars that were holding it all together have rotted away due to lack of proper treatment prior to them being inserted into the ground.

this means that the last couple of summers it has looked dreadful, and has become a depressing entrance to the house.

well, this year before the growing season kicks in, i have instigated a change.

before at 7:20am today :


during at 4:50pm today


watch this space to see what happens.

in the meantime mk2 and me are off to play with our new toy !



i recently added an extra year to the time spent on this planet.
a happy occasion yes ?
the whole thing turned out to be an almighty headf*ck of a couple of days.
the likes of which i have not experienced in a long long time.

firstly there was the recent news that nice announced to the world that anyone experiencing more than 3 weeks of heartburn should go see their doctor to be checked up on the chance of it being the beginning of an evil lump like bh had.
3 weeks !?
bh went to her gp several times over 2 years, and the solution : high strength antacids.
when the evil lump was eventually diagnosed bh wrote to her gp questioning his 2 year delay in sending her for an endoscopy. the doctor basically used the defense that nice did not recommend to check for stomach cancer for people under the age of 50.
bh was 47.
to say the press attention on the newly revised instructions fired up some anger would be an understatement.

with that spinning around my head, i was already in a dark place prior to my birthday.

a couple of days before the big event, i said to a friend that i had a vague recollection that my birthday is the anniversary for some pretty dark stuff that happened during the chaos, but as i struggle to recall a lot of what happened, i was finding it hard to pinpoint the source of my anxiety.

perhaps unwisely, i scoured the blog of the chaos, and found the relevant time period.
and then the tsunami of emo excess hit me hard.
i remembered it all like it was yesterday.
no, not yesterday. today.
i was back in that place physically and emotionally.
i cracked badly.
basically in 2012 my birthday was the beginning of the really dark stuff.
more detail : here.

not only that, but my birthday is quickly followed by bh’s birthday, and then there is february 15th.
which i think i have mentioned elsewhere was the date on which bh and myself last enjoyed a night out without the kids (the second of two such times), or the evil lump in our life.
it was a truly wonderful evening during which we planned various new possibilities given that we now had a live in babysitter, and we all know how that turned out.

subsequently i am finding this month particularly heavy as it’s a couple of weeks of power packed emotional triggers.
the intensity is probably a consequence of me no longer being on the medication i was a year ago, meaning hopefully this is the worst it can get as i continue to reconcile the events of the past drug free.




i think it’s time to put things down on the wire to clear my head.


16/07/14 : an update


next week sees the beginning of a new chapter in the lives of the residents of hq.

after 14 years of being a slave to the demands of the primary school that the lads both went to (school run, fancy dress, school run, class worship, daily lunch boxes, school run, sports stuff, various fayres, paperwork, xmas stuff etc etc), it is going to feel very refreshing to have a bit more freedom in my world.

yes, the school has been absolutely brilliant for both lads, but as a single parent who has tried to maintain some form of normality by fitting in a few hours of work a week 25 miles away from the location of the school, the logistics have been a bloody nightmare.
i wont go into the precise detail as that’s just boring, but once mk2 starts secondary school, all such necessities are over.

i quite simply cannot wait as i am physically, mentally, and emotionally burnt out.

as per mentioned in my last post back in february, i have stayed off the anti-depressants.
and if i were honest, it has been very difficult.
so much so that i have at times felt the urge to contact the doctor and ask for a new supply.
however, i did not succumb.

subsequently, the chemically assisted stress free groove i have experienced for the last 2 years has evaporated, and in its place is a more morose, downbeat person.
i have found myself becoming more emotional, distant, and angry. struggling with the daily demands of being a single parent (feeding, cleaning, tidying, organising, taxi’ing etc), something i have had to learn to accept i do not particularly enjoy now that i am flying solo. another side effect is that i no longer enjoy the social excess to the same degree, i prefer the calm and comfort of hq.
more importantly though, i suffer anxiety whenever i need to step out of my comfort zone and make a decision (i don’t think it will come as a shock to anyone that saw us in action, but bh was the primary decision maker in the relationship), all of which hits me hard, knocks my confidence, puts my head in a spin, and ultimately makes me feel guilty.

that said, i firmly believe that all of this is part of the grieving process that i need to go through.
the happy pills just created a delayed reaction, and masked my real groove, and now i am having to deal with the situation properly. there have been a few that suggest i seek counselling,
i accept counselling could be useful, but having had a few sessions after bh died, i quickly came to the realisation, that no matter how many sessions i go to, the fact remains the same, i miss bh, and no amount of discussion will ever fix that, so not sure i need to delve further.

the outcome of all this recent turmoil means that this year i am actually looking forward to the 6 week summer break, as it could be just what i need to recharge the system.
one week is even kid kaos free.
i suspect i will just kick back at hq and soak up the calm, and enjoy having the tv to myself.
then again, i may just pick a random place and go.
oh the possibilities.

of course, by the end of the holiday, i will be desperate to rejoin the world of adults and work, but at least it will be a whole new groove with less stress re the logistics.

well, that’s the hope.



testing testing.
just checking to see if this thing is still on.
as there is stuff in my head i need to sort out, and putting it down on the modern equivalent of paper really helps.